So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
try to milk me bitch
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