i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
