From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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