Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
