Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize