If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you traded sex for a burrito?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
