The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
