I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
