im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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