I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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