Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
