He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
