Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
