If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Who died my cat blue again?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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