i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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