I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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