You're completely useless in the revolution.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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