the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
