Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
