I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
