No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
There's always time for handjobs
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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