I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
