Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize