he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
