So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
