I met the friendliest cop last night
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
