Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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