just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
