Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
