Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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