We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
