My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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