A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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