do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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