I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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