Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
