I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
