i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
