Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
