Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize