I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
