The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
