omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize