i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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