So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
