My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
