Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I touched a dick in church today
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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