It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
