i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
