I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
