well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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