we have officially lost it.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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