I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
