my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
