so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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