I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
