he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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