ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
