forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
