Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
