I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Who died my cat blue again?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
