he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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